| November 4th, 2016 | August 23rd, 2015 | April 20th, 2017 |
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| I feel nostalgic all the time, and most of the time it is an unbearable feeling.
It looks back to happier moments, meaning the time I'm in right now isn't very happy.
Let me give some examples of this frequent feeling. Weirdest one: In 5th grade, watching Orphan and Human Centipede in the winter, going into the woods, being scared. This feeling is not very good. It's just frequent. Best one?: In 6th grade, dancing with Taryn, painting nails, decorating for Christmas, doing crafts, living on Mt. Royal. I don't get reminded of this one very often, but I do think of it a lot. I was completely stupid and carefree. Also best one: 7th grade, roaming the halls, ice skating with Taryn, best friends with Carley, FACS class, posting on Instagram, listening to emo music, flirting with boys, sitting in my room with the window open, living on Mt. Royal, getting bad grades. 8th grade: Going to Virginia Beach, the smell of finally opening my window, shopping at Goodwill, feeling pretty, looking forward to summer, discovering good movies. 9th grade: Vanessa getting her license, pep band, Burger 21, breaking out, watching movies... worst year of all. Now what I think I'm creating is walking Lucy, laying in leaves. That's literally it because other than that I am not enjoying myself one bit. Here are other good feelings: - Christmas shopping - Moving into a new house - Opening windows in the spring - Having photoshoots outside Also, an update on my life. I got a 4.36 GPA. I haven't worked for two weeks because I was sick. I am drowning in homework. I'm reading Catcher in the Rye. Band is finally over! I have my Fridays free! All I do is wait for something fun to happen and nothing ever does. So... I am miserable. But, I cut my bangs. 
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AHHHHHHHH! It's 3:00 AM right now and I should be asleep but Vanessa and Ashley took me to see Rocky Horror Picture show and it was the best thing ever. First, we got there and I got VIRGIN written on my forehead in lipstick. Then we went inside and had a dance party which was super fun. Then, we got called up to the stage to get spanked omg. I was dying of laughter the whole time. *redacted*. It was just like Perks of Being a Wallflower. I was there, with seniors, in Pittsburgh, as a freshman. I AM CHARLIE. Metaphorically. We left and went through the Liberty Tunnel and I stuck my head out the window and screamed. This has been the best night of my life. I want to go every Saturday. And the city looked so beautiful and the air was so cold. This was the best way to end the summer. 
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"But now that I am old, moving every year closer to the end of my life, I also feel closer to the
beginning. And I remember everything that happened that day because it has happened many times in my life.
The same innocence, trust, and restlessness; the wonder, fear, and loneliness. How I lost myself. I remember
all these things. And tonight, on the fifteenth day of the eighth moon, I also remember what I asked the Moon Lady
so long ago. I wished to be found." - Joy Luck Club, The Moon Lady This is so beautiful. However, I don't think I understand it fully. And I may not be meant to. It's someone else's story. How could I understand it to the extent they felt it? On another note, I asked my mom to go to a protest and she said no. Then we had an argument. If I had a wish to the Moon Lady, I think it would be to find a soulmate, someone who truly understands me. Because I have a serious lack of that in my life. (I understand it now.) 
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| October 24th, 2018 (a poem) | January 4th, 2020 | May 29th, 2022 |
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Growing, growing, growing I used to wail when I was held Screaming, crying, untying bonds, breaking free from blankies My mother dreaded me growing Resented me for not being comforted by cradles No tiny fish tanks could extinguish my fire Growing, burning, embers glowing, blazing down my path Digging for fools gold Turning dust into diamonds Making daisies from mold Birds flock into my window as they mistake me for a warm breeze, Melting frost, never lost, always going the wrong way. Living at the top of my lungs, screaming into the wind, laughing in the face of my lovers, mending the fates of my friends, lounging in 200 degree weather, driving off of earth's ends. My feet slam the ground in the morning. All apples fall to the earth. Of course I'm not like the other girls, I'm actually a lot worse. 
(UGHHHHHHH my teen angst!!! )
|
Hello! I haven't written in this journal nearly enough, and for far too long. I think it is time to
leave it behind, even though all of the pages are not filled. I bought a deep red journal for the new
decade. And to end this one, I might make a list of all the things I've learned or the ways I've
grown throughout the course of this journal....
-I am not a smile because it happened type of girl. I will cry because it's over. -I really used to feel like someone special. Strangers asked me to take a picture with their baby. I was rereading old yearbook notes and it felt like I was mourning my old self. Then I realized, I did not die. I'm the same person. -I am hopelessly optimistic. Maybe I should try having a positive attitude but with low expectations. -I think all of the misfortunes I've endured have beat me down into less of what I am... but I need to start fighting back. -There's no reason to feel like life is over. -FATE IS A COMBINATION OF INATTENTION AND EXPECTATION. -I am an old soul who is also young at heart. I don't know. Who cares. So... onto the next chapter. Into the convulsion of life..... 
|
I'm sitting in my room. I just vacuumed my carpet. We just got the air conditioner fixed. The last time
we had a working air conditioner was so long ago, just feeling it on my skin makes me feel 16 again. I was
sitting on the deck with Booboo and listening to Modern Baseball on my speaker. I felt so young, or maybe like
an adult who is visiting their childhood home. I feel like I could be 13 surfing on the family computer in the middle
of the night again. I'm always longing for the feeling I had in places I can never go back to. I wish I grew
up in one house. I just want to lay next to an open window and listen to music. It'd be better if I was
in love.
I went on a date yesterday and it sucked. He was a liar. All men are. GAHHHHHHHH. I'm gonna paint a sweatshirt. I don't know of what yet. This will be the fastest I've ever finished a notebook. Too fast. |
| May 27th, 2019 | March 5th, 2018 | March 11th, 2011 |
|---|---|---|
|
HELLO JOURNAL! I am writing to you after an amazing week. First of all, we won the Fairchild Challenge
AGAIN! I got to accept the award and walk around the premises for free. And it was peaceful and fragrant.
Then I watched Claire's coin-chair promposal. AND THEN PROM! Omg. It was amazing. I looked like a princess.
Like Audrey Hepburn! Taking pictures was so fun. Washington's Landing is so pretty. Then, the actual prom was
incredible. Michael and I danced the night away. I ran into his arms and he spun me around. We goofed off the whole
night. When Come on Eileen came on, we ran around in circles and fell at the climax of the song. IT WAS LIKE
A F****** MOVIE! AND THE BOAT! I got my fortune told. I got a balloon hat. And I danced! And most importantly, Claire
and I stood at the end of the boat listening to music. It was one of the best moments of my life. Looking at all
of the city lights, the movement of the water, watching bridges pass over my head, feeling the breeze, and
listening to Cherry by The Chromatics. I felt a happiness that can only be expressed by flailing around
and screaming. My stomach gets so tense and I feel like I'm gonna explode FROM LAUGHTER! Not humorous laughter,
but happy laughter. I love life. I love Pittsburgh. I love my friends. And this summer is gonna be amazing, too!
Last night, Claire, Michael, and I went night swimming at Garrett's. We stayed until 2:00 AM sitting in
his hot tub playing truth or dare. I also spent a lot of time underwater, looking up at the surface and at
the lights in the pool. This is truly what life is all about. This summer, I am allowed to scream at the
top of my lungs or not say a word. I am putting enough positive energy out in the world for it to be returned.
Okay journal. I'm tired. See you later.
(This was one of the happiest periods of my life!!!) |
I just got out of the bath and laid in bed and stared in the mirror and pet Booboo, imagining that it is
8:00 PM on a summer night. And it was warm. And peaceful. This is not too far way. It's March now and the sun
will stay out later. This winter, I existed and nothing more. I have no concrete memories of what happened, I was
just living day to day, waiting to get to the weekend, being stressed about school. Everything is a blur. January was the longest
month of my life. February felt like a week. I can't even put events into specific timeframes. It's so weird. So,
I am excited to be warm and active and be able to sit in the sun and drive around. And I want my life to get more interesting.
In other news, I posted on my finsta, "I don't know my significance in other people's lives and at this point I'm afraid to ask." And this one girl replied, "I don't know if this is like something you wanted to be answered but you're almost like a mythic figure? You have a distinctive style and you're extremely smart, but talking to you, you're very... human, if that makes sense. I expect from no one else to have a conversation about when not if you lose it and buy a farm in Alabama and raise your kids to have zero knowledge of modern technology." And she literally made a Pinterest board dedicated to me, with pictures of yellow things and golden retrievers and conspiracy theories. I was flabbergasted. It's weird that I can actually have an impact on someone. She may have a crush on me. But it was, I think, LITERALLY the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone's ever said about me. It's exactly how I want people to view me. And at musical, I sometimes felt unnoticed or ugly, and this made me feel much better! I asked people what their first impression of me was and they said FRIENDLY! Who would have thought. |
Hey! It is Emily of course! I'm kinda sad because I don't want to grow up. It would be horrible.
I told someone who I liked and they will probaly tell. But the bright side is spring starts on Sunday and soccer starts
on Tuesday. It was very nice today and Jesse is still cute! Ahhhhhhhhh....... There is always tomorow.
(Wow... even at 10 I was filled with a sense of existential dread.... SOMEBODY MEDICATE HER! Just kidding. ) |